Sunday, April 4, 2010

Life is not all holding hands and puppy dogs.

I sometimes have random thoughts float through my head, OK not just sometimes most of the time. I wonder about weird things and sometimes nothing at all. The other day I was wondering what I might do if I found myself in a situation in where a loved one was terminally ill and in pain, if they asked me to help them commit suicide, could I really do it? I mean I would not like watching them dying a painful death but when it came down to the moment of truth could I be the one to assist them with their suicide? And if I did could I live with myself afterward knowing that I had killed them even though it what they asked for? Or how did chimney sweeps do there jobs back in the day? I am assuming they had to be fairly skinny and small stature to be able to do their job, I mean a fat man could not fit in a chimney, with of course the exception of Santa Clause. Why is curling a sport? Really it just seems awful. Hockey...now there is a sport. If yo know something about something, is not telling it lying, even if you were never asked about it? Is not saying something about something you know wrong? When is the best time to travel to Ireland? And when I make it there what is the first thing I want to see/do? Why are songs like " Hey Mickey" so annoying but you love them anyway? If we are meant to healthy why didn't God make health food taste better? I mean seriously, I take a double cheeseburger and five pounds of flab any day over just about any health food. It was so much easier when I was younger and did not feel so guilty every time I ate junk food. Maybe moving away from here is exactly what I need to do. But maybe just maybe I need to go further away than just Austin? Why sometimes am I like a tornado? My faith is stronger now than it has ever been, and I am not ashamed of it, so why do I still question it? Visiting my sister in prison gives me the creeps? Should I feel guilty about it? Are people in life that don't have anything much but love truly happier than even the richest man on Earth? I believe for the most part that is true, just like the song that said "love grows best in little houses. How did I get so lucky to be blessed with two beautiful, smart, funny giggle boxes? Every day with them seems to go by faster but sometimes I wish it would go faster so I can see the wonderful people they are sure to be. Whose on first? Is the safe choice the better choice? Why do all doctors have horrible hand writing? Is there ever anything for certain in life? How is it that I did not know that my children were out of school tomorrow? Why there no way at all to protect my kid from all the bad things in life? Why is it some people , who truly deserve kids, can not have them, but some people who are cruel and abusive are able to reproduce like rabbits? Where is my baseball and has that search crew found my morals? Why is reality TV so popular when it is all really crap anyway? Is alien baby going to look more like Lady Gaga or Glenn Beck? I should probably write my will in the next 10 years and that thought depresses me. Why is big red such a good hangover remedy? Will there ever be a funnier movie than the Hangover? Why is it all about appearances and not brains and the heart? How much wood, would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck, could chuck wood? Is anyone ever truly completely safe/happy/ fulfilled? Did I shave my legs for this? What really was in the mystery meatloaf they served us at school? Why would anyone settle for being mediocre ? Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't? The whole time change concept should be illegal. And it goes on and on my friend.....

Monday, September 21, 2009

Mondays

Mondays.

From my kids this is what I learned today... Taylor Swift is a pretty princess (in case you didn't know), penguins (or pengiwits as Audie calls them) come in different sizes, the sun is the hottest place ever, we are on the middle planet from the sun, and last but not least sometimes when you toot it makes your tushy vibrate. I love these two giggle boxes I have been blessed with between these interesting pieces of information and there hugs they helped take away my case of Mondays, well them and some dark chocolate, a White Russian, and some ice cream but mostly them.
Both kids are doing well. Audie has recovered nicely from her little adventure of trying to do a back flip off the top bunk. She loves kindergarten! I was walking her in the other day and every five seconds kids were going " Hi Sissy, hey Sissy, How's it going Sissy" On little girl told me she likes my daughter and another little boy kept pulling on her sleeve saying Hi Sissy, Sissy Hi and after about five times of this she turned to him and batted her eyes and said oh hi Michael. It was so cute but I know I am going to have my hands full when she is older! Will is doing wonderfully in 1 st grade. He has made 100's on all of his practice spelling test so he has not had to take the final on Friday so he gets to draw and color which he loves. We got his progress report on Thursday and he has all A's his lowest grade being a 93. I am so proud!
Everything else seems to be going pretty good. As much as I wish for it my life will never be stress free and I am OK with that. I am still looking for another job, one with benefits and more stability. I have started sort of kinda seeing someone but we have not put labels on anything yet. I don't know why labels bother me...I guess really they are not so bad and maybe I am just being worried when there is nothing to worry about. For the most part it is going ok. We are trying to not hurry things along and go at a comfortable pace...this is all new for me since I tend to rush head long into things. I sort do then think then regret.. So this is a challenge for me but I like a good challenge. I like the pace and I like the way things are going for the most part…and he is hot so that helps (j/k but he is hot). We seem to have quiet a bit in common and have the ability to just hang out and be comfortable around each other which is a good thing... I have also decided to go back to the drinking in moderation theory I was going with at the beginning of the summer. I am having to many nights were I am blacking out and doing stupid things ( no need to go into a lot of details those of you have been around for any of those times know what it can be like). I had a drink today after work because of the horrible case of Monday's I had and I think that is OK and a few drinks when I am out or chilling with my homies is cool but I have to stop drinking so fast and into complete oblivion it is not good. So we will see how these new things in my life go..I think they could both be very good things for me.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

hhhmmm really???

Yesterday after I dropped the kids off at Ralph Wilson's I drove down my old street where I grew up until my parents uprooted me and planted me in this little town, where when I went to school for the first time I was shocked to see they only had one hallway. Anyway I have not been to the neighborhood where I grew up in a long time. I know Temple is just down the road and I go there quite often but not to that area of town. No matter when I head that way there is always something that has changed a new house built, someone painted, one business went out and has been replaced by another. But no matter how many times I move away and come back home to Moody it is always the same, the same old men gather at Conoco every morning and drink coffee and the same old biddies spread gossip all around town, and some how in the all the sameness there is a ton of comfort to me.
The one place I have always tried to get away from ( and have succeeded a few times) is the one place I always come back to. Now this is the place I think that I am going to purchase my first home, which is something I have always said I would not do. And now I am not sure why I was so opposed to being a home owner.
There is an old man who walks his dog every morning down by the store, he wears the same overalls, and takes the same route. He looks lonely walking just him and his dog and I like to imagine what he might have been like in his younger days. Someone one day told me he used to be join in local contest throwing cotton bales and that the weight of those bales of cotton was some where in the neighborhood of 500-600 lbs, maybe this is an exaggeration but I like to imagine that he had a sweetheart cheering him on during these contest and that they had one of those sweet comfortable kind of loves.
Speaking of love brings me to the next thing that has been on my mind. So over the course of the last year and a half since Tom and I split up I have the "joy" of experiencing the dating world as a single parent (OH WHAT FUN!). Most guys I can get rid of in one date or less, mainly because I know what I am looking for and will not settle for someone just because it is convenient. I know what I am looking for (not every single detail but the general idea) so the weeding out process is fairly easy. I know when I was younger I met my share of jerks but some of the guys lately have made those guys look like gentleman. Some of you got to meet the guy at the bar who made fun of everyone and everything, I can not stand when people make fun of others and every time I looked at him all I could see was my ex. So when I got up from the bar to go back outside and be with my friends that is what I told him you remind me to much of my ex I can't do this. There was the guy who forgot to mention he had five kids until like our 3rd date or the one who kept feeling me up and at one point try to unbutton my shirt on the dance floor. However lately there has been one guy that I have been seeing sort off and on for the past few months and we were moving toward possibly maybe something maybe more but now all of a sudden he wants to meet my kids. I know at some point someone is going to have to meet my kids but my kids are special maybe not to everyone else in the world but to me they are and the person who will meet them will have to be special too. They have already had to deal with their father getting married and now having step siblings. And them seeing him for the first time since before we split up and him bringing her has raised some questions from them which are completely normal so they don't need it from me too. So I told him maybe this won't work. I know that because I am the kids sole caregiver it cuts down drastically on my time for a social life but they are only this age once here in just a few years they are going to be to cool for the mom who is right ow the coolest mommy ever. Then there is the guy that I went out with for a few months over a year ago and every time he gets a little toasted he calls and wants to hook up or play on the phone or numerous other things that in reality when we were together were not very good. But whatever I am just saying WTF where all the normal men that are OK with my not wanting to let them meet my kids for the first six months or so and don't make fun of everybody and know that everyone needs there own space sometimes. I think I should look into becoming a nun. OK done ranting about that..but seriously wtf??
So on a regular basis my kids make me want to pull out my hair and be locked in a padded room but I love them. This weekend I felt so off with out seeing them but it was a time that once again I find out who my true friends are and these friends know who they are because they are the ones that even if they just send me an email or text they are there and I know that if at 3 thirty in the morning drunk or sober I can call if I needed to. Or they are the ones that I can end up skinny dipping with and then crawling around with almost but not exactly dressed looking for someones cell phone battery. And there are a ton more stories to go with each of these special people but that is for another note....

Thursday, September 18, 2008

sometimes I feel broke and can’t get fixed.

Current mood: fermented

Every so often something happens and it sparks this sort of downward spiral in my life. It starts slowly and I am just slightly down and irritable then is continues to spiral downward until I am the lowest of the low and the bitchiest in all the land. Normally it happens about the time I think I have my life on the right track then reality decides that it is pissed at me and it sucker punches me right in the gut. This slowly sinking feeling began sometime late last week. There are things in my life that the opinions of others ( mainly people close to me) matter the a great deal. The thing I was seeking their opinion on got mixed reviews. And really everything that was said was true and some of it had been bothering me but sometimes I don't see the things that are obvious just because I don't want them to be there. Then having someone else point them out it is hard to avoid them any longer. I have this tendency to build things up in my head in this sort of happy ending kind of way only to be left out in the cold when things don't work out that way. I know really I am setting myself up for this let down but I just cant seem to help it. So this began the questioning off all things in my life. Like the list of things I want in my next great love. Some of it is negotiable but really i don't want to give in on any of it. Really is that wrong? I spent the past seven years with someone who wanted me to be them and broke me down until I no longer could even remember who me was. So I will not settle for anything less, which may mean being alone forever but really who cares. But when I get like this I think maybe I should lower my standards and then when I do that then I really ended up disappointed. So then I decide to stand my ground. I will not be second and I will not be someone else and tough shit if you don't like it. So really what i thought was so great really isn't and now everything else I thought was so great maybe it really isn't either. So I am now I begin to wonder if I like the direction my life is going, what my beliefs are, if I choose the right color paint, if they still do lobotomies and if I can get one, if this is really all worth the time it is taking to think about it. Really it is a vicious cycle running rampant threw my head. Everything pisses me off and I find my self confidence waning almost to the point of non existence and old habits find there way back. I feel isolated and alone. So today this downward trend is at a high point. So the mom at dance class who felt in necessary to gab on her fucking phone the whole entire time and blab her mouth loud enough everyone knows whats going on really got on my nerves and I wished I had some special power that I could just glare at her and the phone would melt to her skin and her mouth would rot off. Then there was the mom who made the statement " The only kids that go to Pre K or headstart are poor white trash or from another ethnic group." EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF me you rich redneck bitch my kids have been in both programs and yes we are not rich or really even middle class we are not white trash or from an ethnic group. I felt my hands clench the sides of the seat I was sitting in as if to keep me from hurtling myself across the room Then there were few small incidents at target that made the rage well up inside of me and it took all I had not to run over people full force with my cart. The drive home that is normally relaxing for me just made me turn into the character form the defense driving movies the one goofy plays mister road rage or something. The other thing that bothers me during these "lows with a dash of rage" is the friends that are supposed to be my best friends are never around. They weren't around when I almost lost my dad or when I had all my health issues, not for the finalizing of my divorce. They call once and a while and talk about how much fun we used to have and how much they miss me but when I need them they aren't there. I could pick up my phone right now and give them a call and they would shoot the breeze and when I spill my guts to them we would make plans to hang out, plans that will never actually come to be and then I will get that lonely feeling all over again. They have showed their true colors and as heartbreaking as it is they are not the friends they claim to be. Then I think that maybe I deserve all the loneliness,sadness ,and rage that I am feeling. Really what I think is that I need some sort of help or kick in the ass.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Blatherings

So today was the first day of school a day I have been waiting for and dreading all at the same time.Will is typically a dawdler in the mornings and takes longer to get ready than most women. So since he has to be dropped of by 7:30 I get him up at about 6:15. He jumps out of bed and screams " Oh my God it's the first day of school. I got to get ready". He is fully clothed, teeth brushed, and downstairs in under five mins.I was shocked. So I get Audie ready and we head out. I stop by my parents house to drop off Audie ( she doesn't go until 11:30 and since she get out at 2:30 I have to go to work when I take Will) and Will has a cow . " Mommy we don't have time to see Granny and O we are going to be late". When we ge to the school will is dragging me down the hallway to his classroom. We drop off his bag and then he drags me to the cafeteria. I help him get his breakfast and he sits down and starts talking to the kid next to him. I start to leave and he turns and says" Bye Mom see you later" and he touches the tip of his nose which is our secret code for I love you, so you know he doesn't have to say it out loud in front of the other kids. I make it back to my car and before I get out of the parking lot I am bawling like a baby and continue to so for the entire drive to work ( which is only 7 miles but still). So then when it is time for Audie to go I go pick her up and take her to PreK. She goes in and sits down like a big girl. She hugs me goodbye when I head out and I get in my car and again the flood gates open and down come the tears. They both had great first days. Will loves his teacher and loves kindergarten. Audie like some boy in her class named Michael ( it was just about all she talked about other than the playground).

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Bubbling over...

Category: Life

I am not sure what I am bubbling over with at any one given moment, it is really an array of emotions. Sometimes it is happiness because my life has a good direction now and I feel solid and hole again for the first time in a long time. Sometimes it is wonderment when I watch my kids do new things or even things they have done a million times before. Will is starting school this year and while we where buying school supplies all I could think about was that 4lb 13oz baby I brought home almost 6 years ago. He is so excited, all I can hope is that he doesn't tell the teacher to often that she is wrong and he is right. He has a bad habit of that. Audie is increasing her vocab everyday and each day becomes more of an individual. When we first started picking out paint I agreed they could both pick their colors. Will stuck to the Spiderman theme and his room is white with blue. Audie on the other had was so indecisive she would pick colors and then change her mind , a typical woman in training I guess. She finally settled on pick walls with green trim and butterflies and flower stickers. The first layer of pink went up and I cold not hardly stand to walk in the room it was so bright. After the trim and stickers went up it is less overwhelming it is really cute, and of course overtly girly just like she is. Now when she walks in her room she says " Oh my it is so beautiful mommy." I try to cherish these little moments with them and make mental notes of things I want to remember because I know all to soon they will be grown. These memories will fade and be replaced by new ones but I like to think I will remember how small their hands where in mine when they had to hold it , or how Audie grabs your face like she is going to make out with you when she gives night night kisses. Or how it is I lobe you mommy or have you seen my globes? Will and his buzz likeyears and Scoffy Doffy. What it was like to hold them when they were babies and them snuggle up close and the smell of baby. As I unpack these boxes I find pictures that I had forgotten about and now I look at them and remember the memories that were attached to them and sometimes apart of my heart aches. Sometimes it is sadness that is bubbling over inside of me. A part of me really just wanted it all to work so the kids could have a secure and happy home. Will is so sensitive and has had a hard time dealing with all of it and it tears me apart inside to know that I am half to blame for that pain. I know we all joke and say that it is our parents fault we are screwed up but not all of the time is that true. I know I am doing what is best for me and ultimately best for them but when I see that pain in his eyes I just want to kick myself and Tom in the ass and say look what your doing stop being ass wipes. But we have tried and our time is done it was not meant to be and someday hopefully Will will realize it to. Right now he is happy and seems to be more at peace with what is going on and I think it has everything to do with us getting settle and it being more stable than it has been awhile. Other times it is anger that pours out of me. Not just over my ordeal. Like the other night I was hanging with a friend and her new boyfriend and no matter what she said or did he made fun of her. It made me want to fly in a rage a fury to where he was sitting and claw his out eyes out and twist his tongue till in no longer worked. I had to leave it has been along time since someone has gotten on my nerves like that especially in that short period of time but I hate when people do that. If you have to make fun of people to feel better about yourself grow up and go get some help. If that particular friend reads this I hope she know I love her dearly and will not interfere in her life but hon you can do so much better and you deserve so much more. Sometimes it is anger at myself because it seems no matter how hard I try I am always behind. School is killing me but I have to go and there are many nights I don't sleep because I am trying to catch up because I am behind but can never seem to get a head. I asked if I could take a break and there is no way until like December and by then I am hoping things will have settled down some. The other thing I have learned ( well I knew but sometimes we have to learn again) it never does any good to build things up in your head because in the end you will almost always be disappointed. The case I am talking about in particular was not really a disappointment ( well a little maybe) but it made me see what I had not been able to see before hand and I know now I was not wrong.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

out of the box and into the future

Forgive me if this is mistyped , spelled or otherwise pc incorrect I am slightly happy the kind that comes from a bottle. So for the past two an half years my life has been stored and put on hold in a storage shed and promises a better future. So we all know how that went down and my stuff ( or some of it) has arrived back in TX. I have felt like something was missing for the past couple of years and always thought it was a lack of my SO. But as I unpack each memories that is held in the boxes and forgotten about the past few years I feel myself come to life. I realize they are just things and pictures but the have been packed away and placed in the deep recesses of my mind. With every box I open I feel like I free a piece of my soul. I know there was lesson to be learned in all of this and I think I have a grasp on it. I know that I am a stronger person and I love myself more than I ever have in my life but as I watch these memories come out I love the person that I was also. Live,Learn,Love, and Laugh. Life goes on whether we want it to or not.Hang on tight and enjoy the ride.